Well, boys and girls, it’s official. The eighties are back with a bang—the Boss, budget deficits, Intifada, crack, and my favorite industry of all, Gang Violence. While most of you might be too young to remember, America’s inner cities were teeming with violence in the late eighties. People had funny haircuts, wore appropriate colors when walking through certain neighborhoods, and shot one another over turf (crumbling inner city streets). There was even a movie on the subject with Sean Penn, I think it was called “Colors.”
Well, the gang industry is on the mend and the “good old days” have returned for an encore. According to the Associated Press, gangsters across the country are once again picking up their pistols and itchin’ to pop a cap and take their competitors down!
Yes, it’s true. Homicide is up. As usual, LA and Oakland are the big time “playas,” but this time around even Little Rock, Ark., is getting into the picture. Can you imagine it? Arkansas? Gangsters in Arkansas? That would almost be funny if weren’t for the fact that even Arkansan gangsters have figured out how to pull the trigger. The fact that they’re all related is especially troublesome. Even Minnesota is having its share of problems. That’s right – Minnesota.
See, kids, the gang industry went through a major downturn during the mid 90’s. A booming economy, a collapse in crack prices, and competition from the police all but had them on the ropes. Nowadays, the resurgence of gang bangers has heralded the existence of a new “golden age” for the gangster. As of December 2002, unemployment is up to 6%, and in some places it’s reached a shocking 11%.
Also, in another fascinating trend, all the gangsters that were arrested and locked up in the eighties are now getting out. Essentially, they’re graduating from the top penitentiaries across the country. It’s like they’ve gotten MBA’s in hard crime. Plus, criminals have started exploiting the fact that the cops and FBI are out looking for terrorists. You do the math.
I’m telling you, it’s enough to make someone want to move to East Cobb! Even Atlanta is having its problems. In the last short while, 51 of our finest citizens were arrested and charged with racketeering. The AP reports that Atlanta has only had 119 homicides this year. “Only” 119. How do we compare? Chicago had 580, and it’s cold in Chicago.
Of course, it’s always amusing to listen to egg-headed professors, who don’t really work on street turf, drone on about societies ills. I have a quote, as reported in an AP newswire story, by Alfred Blumstein of Carnegie Mellon, “What’s going on is the job market is much tighter, so there’s less opportunity for people coming out of their teenage years to move into jobs.”
Well there you have it! We should be lauding gangsters. They’re the “new entrepreneurs!”
Luckily, I have a solution. Mind you, it won’t be popular, what with billions of dollars about to be spent on a war. Let me suggest, that instead of fighting that war, why don’t we take all that money that we really don’t have in the first place and put it back into America? It will make us stronger and ultimately strengthen our fight against terrorism. Or if we must fight that war, how about drafting all the convicts and putting them on the front lines. Theoretically, it could take care of two of our problems at once.
The point is that we have to do something. America is clearly under threat from the outside. The last thing we need to do is to exacerbate our weaknesses from the inside. And our enemies will be happy to pray upon our weakness if we demonstrate that we can’t manage our own affairs.
See, the way things are headed right now, with the resurgence of the gang industry and a break out of gang warfare internally, terrorists won’t need to blow us up because there may not be many of us left. Which just goes to show you that the business of gang banging is bad for everybody else’s business!
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Copyright © 2002 by Marc Fitten. All rights reserved.
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