Rudeness in America is at epidemic levels. A recent study revealed that 71 percent of workers have been the brunt of discourtesy, incivility, and down right boorish behavior while on the job, which is quite a contrast from the “good old days.” Gentlemen like George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, and John Adams founded America.
George Washington took civility so seriously that he memorized one hundred rules of gentleman-like conduct. Author Richard Brookhiser wrote a book about Washington’s quest for manners called “Rules of Civility.” Quoted in a Saturday Evening Post book review, Brookhiser said, "Twentieth-century Americans believe they can be rich, or powerful, or famous....But greatness has vanished from the map of our minds.”
Manners, civility, and rules for etiquette seem as outdated today as black-and-white
television. As the parent and step-parent of seven boys, I’m especially
aware of the tidal wave of discourtesy that has become the norm in American
culture. When belches and other bodily noises on television cause them to giggle
with glee rather than look away in embarrassment, I worry.
I especially worry about what forms of boorishness the various forms of media,
movies, television and radio, are shoveling my children’s way.
The “King of Crude,” MTV’s Tom Greene, recently made a movie
that movie critic Tom Keogh called “the rudest movie ever.” “Freddy
Got Fingered” was filled with so much strong language, crude and bizarre
humor, that Family Style’s website (www.familystyle.com) reported that
the “F” word was used over 97 times in one-hour. Preview Online
said the movie contained “scene after scene of vile and disgusting material.”
Yet, hordes of middle and high school students flocked to see the movie when
it was released.
What do we expect from the same group of people who offer the world such quality
television programming as “Jack Ass?” This show routinely compromises
and embarrasses people solely to make fools out of them on national television.
Based upon my experiences as a parent screening various television shows from
Hollywood, it is easy to conclude that media executives are seldom the upholders
of society’s better rules and values.
While few Americans want to return to the days when etiquette ruled every interaction, elocution and deportment were part of the core curriculum at high school, and ladies lunched wearing white gloves, it would still appear that there should be some sort of a middle ground between utter churlishness and civil conduct.
The shift in our culture towards a complete disregard for manners didn’t happen overnight. In the 1950’s many children dressed for school wearing white shirts and ties or dresses to class. The administrators in the 1960’s were shocked when teens began to wear blue jeans to school. Today, teens barely wear any clothes at all to school. If schools didn’t have stringent dress codes, girls would see nothing wrong with baring bellies or having boys wearing pants hanging down to reveal...well I can’t say it, that would be rude. Our parents’ generation would have died rather than send us off to school with our underwear hanging out.
Is this pervasive rudeness a crisis of civilization? Webster’s Dictionary
defines “civilization” as “advancement in social culture.”
History teaches us the lesson that when a society’s rules break down so
does the culture. Greece, the birthplace of Aristotle and Socrates, became one
of the greatest societies of all time. Yet, when that society began to lose
respect for people and began throwing babies upon garbage heaps and fighting
amongst themselves, they became vulnerable to attack by the Macedonian known
as Alexander the Great. When the society became ill-mannered and morally corrupt,
it died out completely.
Manners are critical in a society because they are the “oil” that
smooths relationships. Good manners also remind us of a kinder, gentler time
in history. Despite the fact that each act of good manners may be small in proportion
to a whole society, when combined, it becomes as precious as a new-found oil
well.
To my children, manners and courtesy towards others often seem to be an unnecessary
annoyance, much like those “silly” spelling and grammar rules. Teaching
our children the rules of relationships takes time. Each gracious mannerism
we teach our children helps them to communicate better with each other and builds
bridges between the generations.
Manners are big business to Judith Martin, more commonly known across the nation
as the newspaper columnist “Miss Manners." She appears in more than
200 newspapers worldwide. Questioners send in puzzling etiquette questions,
which she deftly answers, while always delivering a smile. In 2001, Martin published
Miss Manners’ Guide to Domestic Tranquility addressing the difficulties
that occur when the culture of rudeness breaches your front door and lands in
your living room, most often thanks to your children.
"The underlying principle of all manners is that there are other people in the world,” said Martin in her book, “and you have to take their feelings into consideration.”
Civility has eroded so badly in recent years that, unfortunately, most of our
children and their peers don’t even know what respect looks like. In our
family, especially where my husband and I are blending two diverse families
into one, we’ve discovered that mutual respect and consideration of each
other’s feelings serve as the cornerstone of our new home life.
Kindness seems so archaic in our society that the smallest act of kindness will
be noticed. At a recent school open house, the teacher remarked on our son,
Benjamin. What had he done to gain such attention? A small act of kindness available
to any child -- he helped a middle school girl who had dropped her books in
the hall. What was so shocking to the teacher was that only one student helped
the other out of a hallway populated by fifty or more kids. The others were
“too cool” to help someone else.
One strategy we employ in our home is to be proactive in the area of teaching
civility and manners to our children. All seven are “prepped” BEFORE
an encounter with older relatives or strangers or any type of new situation,
such as entering a store or museum. We often challenge each of them to ask an
open-ended question of Grandpa or Grandma. This keeps them from selfishly focusing
the entire conversation on themselves, or worse yet, ignoring an older person
completely.
This is one huge area for parents to practice what they preach. Show respect
to your own children. Many a child isn’t treated with dignity in his or
her own home and is told to “shut up” and “go to your room.”
But parents aren’t the only culprits. Siblings are prone to disrespect
each other, if allowed. In our home, our eight-year-old twins have as much right
to have their thoughts listened to and heard, despite how silly or small their
concerns may seem to older children. Each child is taught that he deserves respect
and that he needs to give respect back. Behind all of the respect, manners and
rules, however, is something that cannot be counterfeited. That is developing
a love for people.
As parents of seven boys in a blended family, my husband and I have determined
to raise the etiquette sensitivity level to somewhere above “cave person.”
Naively we’re waging a war, single-handedly, against the “Culture
of Rudeness” that prevails in America today. If our children aren’t
taught how their behavior affects other people, classmates, neighbors, teachers,
or grandparents, they will never have any friends, they will never find someone
to marry them or possibly never be gainfully employed.
Heaven forbid that we’ll live out our “golden years” with
a pack of unmannerly hooligans. While we’re not preparing our sons for
a career in the White House, we’d still like to hope that if any ever
gets the chance to talk to a President, he will at least know how to look her
in the eye, shake her hand and address her as properly as “Madame President.”
###
Cheryl Miller lives in Georgia with her writer husband and seven sons. She
is a Staff Writer for The Sentinel newspaper and The Talon magazine
at Kennesaw State University, while completing a writing degree.
Copyright © 2002 by Cheryl K. Miller. All rights reserved.
The Magazine’s writers welcome your feedback. Please be sure to reference the specific article in your response.
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